I Casted This Guy

Another funny commercial.

Why would you cast this guy? He looks like, as my wife said, "has cancer."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fz69mSvqno

I Am the Best Buy Guy

So you know those new commercials where the guy talks about how he helped some people install a TV in their house on Super Bowl Sunday...let me tell you why its bullshit.

First of all...if he is the salesmen on the floor helping someone buy a TV...why the hell would he be the guy who installs it?

He says in the commerical (watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MC4H3ug0MIQ) that he "had an opening with his installer"--so then why the hell wouldn't the installer do the fucking install--not the douche on the floor?

Also, the guys name is POWER JANSEN.

Enough said.

This guy is a douche.

I Drink Without Concern for Altitude

So it's not really a good idea to drink alot when you are at high elevations and that kinda bothers me. What the hell was the Coors family thinking when they set up shop in Golden, Colorado...which by the way is not that golden.

Anyways, so a few friends of I.B.T.C.'s decided to take a trip to Steamboat Springs, Colorado, and despite the great conditions...drinking while 9,000 feet in the air is not a good idea. Shortness of breath, sweats, dizzyness...oh...its a blast. Kinda feels like waking up 2 hours late for your first day of work.

So the casualites:

1. I was unable to snowboard on the last day of the trip due to dehydration and that was about as cool as a testicle blister.

2. One of the members of the trip drank so much that he passed out and was "tagged" on the forehead (pictured) with a Gatorade advertising slogan.

3. Burrito madness

4. Someone on our trip threw up black stuff...and we still dont know what it was? Jager?

So wikipedia says:

Altitude sickness, also known as acute mountain sickness (AMS), altitude illness, or soroche, is a pathological condition that is caused by acute exposure to low air pressure (usually outdoors at high altitudes). It commonly occurs above 2,400 metres (approximately 8,000 feet).[1][2] Acute mountain sickness can progress to high altitude pulmonary edema (HAPE) or high altitude cerebral edema (HACE).[1][3]
The cause of altitude sickness is still not understood.[1][4] It occurs in low atmospheric pressure conditions but not necessarily in low oxygen conditions at sea level pressure. Although treatable to some extent by the administration of oxygen, most of the symptoms do not appear to be caused by low oxygen, but rather by the low CO2 levels causing a rise in blood pH, alkalosis. The percentage of oxygen in air remains essentially constant with altitude at 21% up until 70,000 feet (21,330 metres) but the air pressure (and therefore the number of oxygen molecules) drops as altitude increases - consequently, the available amount of oxygen to sustain mental and physical alertness decreases above 10,000 feet (3,050 metres) .[5][6] Altitude sickness usually does not affect persons traveling in aircraft because modern aircraft passenger compartments are pressurized at an air pressure equivlant to an altitude of 8,000 feet (2,440 metres).
A related condition,[citation needed] occurring only after prolonged exposure to high altitude, is chronic mountain sickness, also known as Monge's disease.[7]
An unrelated condition, although often confused with altitude sickness, is dehydration, due to the higher rate of water vapor lost from the lungs at higher altitudes.

Hey AMS...go fuck yourself.

I Am a Tourist in DC This Week

Holy Crap. Walk a little slower, please.

This city is completely covered in people who have no idea what is going on. People are walking all over the place and every food establishment is packed. Ben's Chili Bowl, a local hotspot has a line around the corner!!! For hot dogs!

Anyways, people are slow and dumb and they are in the way.

I love Barack, but seriously...get out of the city.

I Created Zubaz

This American failure was brought to our attention by a friend of a friend of I.B.T.C. Thank you DM and AW.

It took a few days to determine whether this was a great American failure or a great American success. The failure aspect will be apparent when we get to the visual evidence, which will provide a more complete argument than anything I could write in words. What you might not be able to tell from the pictures is that bodybuilders Dan Stock and Bob Truax made MILLIONS on these pants.

Looking for a way to stay comfortable while working out, and to show that they, “dared to be different,” Stock and Truax came to the only possible conclusion; They would invent stretchable flared leg pants with a bright zebra stripe design. See exhibit A.

These were invented in 1988, and quickly infiltrated the closets of sports fans, WWF and future political supertars and stylish yet sophistaced businessmen everywhere. In 1990 Zubaz recorded more than $20,000,000 in sales. We're all for entrepreneurs here at I.B.T.C. These guys saw a basic need in the gym clothes industry and they cashed in. The biggest problem is with the difference between the intended image, Zubaz reality, and, well, Reality reality. Let me show you...

Zubaz Reality


Reality Reality



Zubaz Reality


Reality Reality


I think great American failure has been proven. If you aren't convinced you can buy your pair here.




One final thought...

I Wear Eyeblack Stickers

Woe is me. I have to catch a football that is in the air and I can't see very well looking into the light. So let me create a solution...I will wear "eyeblack" which is traditionally a grease that consists of "beeswax, paraffin, and carbon."

Alright...so lets give you some wikipedia info on the eyeblack...According to our friends over at the Wik, the earliest known instance of a player wearing eye black is Washington Redskins fullback Andy Farkas, who came up with the idea out of thin air in 1942.

Now I would guess that Mr. Farkas wasn't exactly doing it for looks, but since then the eyeblack phenomenon has spread to basically every sport under the sun. One interesting twist back in the 1990's was Minnesota Vikings defensive tackle John Randle, who would paint almost his entire face in the material for an imposing look. The funny thing about the paint job is he was eventually fined by the NFL for "excessive eyeblack"--who would've thought that was even possible.

Anyways, all was well and good until some genious decided that painting your face was too hard and they wanted to use stickers. Seriously. Many people point to the trend beginning when RB Reggie Bush, then just an AMATEUR athlete with USC, adorned his stickers with his AREA CODE--just in case he forgot the 3-digit prefix to his home number. Others have followed and now an entire industry is based on these stickers which are mass-produced and can have logos, family crests and, of course, area codes written on them.

www.become.com/eye-black-stickers

http://www.eyeblackstickers.com/

www.gear4pros.com/category_s/148.htm

Gross.

One other twist: THEY DONT WORK!!!!!! Mr. Farkas used them and tests have proven that black surfaces can actually do reduce glare. The stickers: DONT DO ANYTHING!!!

According to the wiki:

"A 2003 study by Brian DeBroff and Patricia Pahk tested whether black eye grease actually had anti-glare properties. The subjects of the study were divided into three groups: wearers of eye black, wearers of antiglare stickers, and wearers of petroleum jelly. The subjects' vision was tested using an eye chart while being exposed to natural sunlight. The study concluded that eye black reduced glare of the sun and improved contrast sensitivity, whereas commercial antiglare stickers and petroleum jelly (the control substance) were found to be ineffective."

Fucking Reggie Bush.

I Tried to Give Up West Point

On this day in 1741, Benedict Arnold was born. A one-time American hero and military leader, Arnold would go on to betray his country, and his name has since become synonymous with traitorous acts and somewhat disgusting, but delicious egg-based breakfasts.

After achieving the rank of Brigadier General, Arnold fell out of favor with other military brass, and was passed over for promotion, while younger men were advanced. Arnold also built up quite a bit of debt when the bet he placed for the undefeated New England Patriots to win Super Bowl XLII failed to pay off. That debt, coupled with his anger at not being promoted, led Arnold, in 1780, to agree to turn over the West Point fort to British forces, in exchange for money and a high rank in the British army.

Unfortunately for Arnold, his plan was uncovered and stopped. Though he didn't collect as much money as he anticipated, Arnold did go on to lead British forces for the duration of the war. After the war Arnold moved to London, where he died in 1801.

Ironically, on this day in 1784, Arnold's 43rd birthday, the Continental Congress ratified the Second Treaty of Paris, ending the Revolutionary War and establishing Britain's recognition of the independence of the 13 colonies.

Should have stayed in your lane, Benedict!

I Drafted Sam Bowie (not MJ)

So you are Stu Inman and you are the General Manager of the Portland Trailblazers in 1984. (Stay with me! No daydreaming!). Anyways... You are "The Stu"....You helped build the Portland Trailblazers dynasty in the late 1970s and you are widely considered to be a decent evaluator of basketball talent.

And then you did the unthinkable.

• Sam Bowie is a 7'1", 235 lb beast of a center from Kentucky, who despite a few major collegiate injuries, was named to the 2nd team All-America team in his senior season.


• Michael Jordan is a 6'6", 215 lb guard from UNC, where he was named the NCAA Player of the Year in his junior season.

Guess why "The Stu" made this blog? Stu had the 2nd overall pick in the 1984 draft and after Hakeem Olajuwon (a 12-time NBA All-Star) was drafted, it was your turn. So what are you gonna do Stu? I think you know the answer...

Sam Bowie played 511 NBA games and averaged 10.9 points, 7.5 rebounds and 1.78 blocks per game. He retired in 1995 after playing for 3 different teams.

Michael Jordan...well...

6x NBA Champion (1991, 1992, 1993, 1996, 1997, 1998)
5x NBA MVP (1988, 1991, 1992, 1996, 1998)
14x NBA All-Star (1985-1993, 1996-1998, 2002-2003)
6x NBA Finals MVP (1991-1993, 1996-1998)
1x NBA Defensive Player of the Year (1988)
10x All-NBA First Team Selection (1987-1993, 1996-1998)
1x All-NBA Second Team Selection (1985)
9x NBA All-Defensive First Team Selection (1988-1993, 1996-1998)
1985 NBA Rookie of the Year
1985 NBA All-Rookie Team
3x NBA All-Star Game MVP (1988, 1996, 1998)
2x NBA Slam Dunk Contest winner (1987, 1988)
NBA's 50th Anniversary All-Time Team
1x NCAA Men's Basketball Champion (1982)
1982 ACC Freshman of the Year
1x ACC Men's Basketball Player of the Year (1984)
1x USBWA College Player of the Year (1984)
1x Naismith College Player of the Year (1984)
1x John R. Wooden Award (1984)
1x Adolph Rupp Trophy (1984)
1991 Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year
2000 ESPY Athlete of the Century
1990s ESPY Male Athlete Decade Award
1990s ESPY Pro Basketballer Decade Award

Portland's draft decision is regarded by ESPN as the worst in NBA history and Sports Illustrated called Bowie the biggest NBA draft bust ever. Basically...Stu Inman you didnt make the right decision.

As if you needed more evidence:

TOTAL GOOGLE HITS

Sam Bowie 481,000

Michael Jordan 9,560,000

I Made Vodka

Whoever is responsible for making vodka so damn delicious is not cool with me.

It hurts me.

Whenever I am out on the town the beautifully-illuminated vodka bottles seem to call to me...so cruel are you lovely lady of the bottle.

I.B.T.C. will return post-hangover.

I Helped Bankrupt America w/ Bernie Madoff

This one comes from one of I.B.T.C.'s (I Built the Challenger) friends, who alerted us to this incredible blunder.

Meaghan Cheung, the SEC's New York watchdog basically missed the boat on Bernard Madoff's $50 billion scheme, despite what some are calling "dead-on tips from whistleblowers." Wow. Hey Ms. Cheung, way to go.

According to an article in the NY Post, she reportedly rebutted the attention and the blame saying, "why are you taking a mid-level staff person and making me responsible for the failure of the American economy?...I worked very hard for 10 years to make a career, and a reputation, and that has been destroyed in a month."

Whah.

So sorry...thats what happens when you don't do your job. What do you tell one of those cute old couples who gave all their money to Mr. Madoff, and now you are broke? Just tell them sorry you f'd up?

Harry Markopolos (a great name) was apparently the gentlemen who "whistle-blew" (is that a word?) and tipped off Cheung...so he gets a big time cheer. As for Cheung, you deserve a big time mental cavity search.

I Designed the DMV

I'm sure there are about 4000 blogs out there dedicated to people's disgust/disdain for the DMV...but maybe now there will be 4001.

Basically someone decided a good thing to do would be to make a place where people could come and grow increasingly frustrated by a state-run organization. Remember when you first got your license? That was probably your only smile every cracked in one of these places.

I know our readership is global--so let me humor you briefly and explain why the District of Columbia Department of Motor Vehicles stands out in my mind as a horrible place.

When you show up they give you a ticket with a number on it---not like the ticket you get at the deli counter or the clearly-marked ticket you get at a show or concert or sporting event...no this ticket is special.

It says: D109

Not 109...D109...

And the guy next to you had C436.

And the guy who forgot every form of acceptable ID and is complaining loudly next to you has B792.

And the woman who is breathing through her nose and creating a delightful whistling noise has K822. (Seriously! "K").

And the businessman who thinks he should be next in line regardless of what time he arrived has A110.

The way I see it is that someone was figuring out a way to piss people off and they came up with this lettering system. I guess the whole "lets count in order" thing didn't appeal to this person. I could see why 1...2...3...4... could get really confusing--good thing they cleared it up.

But I digress...so there we are clutching our little tickets and they're jumping all over the place.

"D108, now at Window 11"

"B763, now at Window 14"

"C900, now at Window 12"

Guess who is next, D109 right? Nope...lets go for A110...and that prick businessman gets served before me.

Hey...the person who designed this system: go f yourself.

I Recognized Cuba

On January 7th, 1959, the United States government recognized a new provisional government in Cuba, six days after the rebel leader, Fidel Castro, had successfully overthrown the pro-American dictator previously in power.

US Secretary of Sate John Foster Dulles, against the warnings of American Ambassador to Cuba, Earl Smith, advised President Dwight Eisenhower to recognize the new government, believing that they were “free from Communist taint,” and interested in “friendly relations with the United States."

Less than a month later, Castro was sworn in as the Premier, and by January 1961 the US had severed diplomatic relations with Cuba. In April 1961, the US promoted the Failblog-worthy Bay of Pigs invasion.

Dulles had a long and distinguished career as an excellent judge of character. Until 1935 he was an ardent supporter of Adolf Hitler and the Nazi party, using the law firm of Sullivan & Cromwell, of which he was a partner, to continue a mutually profitable relationship. Dulles later advised San Diego Chargers’ owner Alex Spanos that drafting Ryan Leaf would be a wise decision, and in 1996 was credited as an artistic collaborator on the short-lived TV series, “Homeboys from Outerspace.”

I Created the Washington Generals

So on this date in history 83 years ago a (presumably) nice Jewish boy named Abe Saperstein created the Harlem Globetrotters and marketed an entertaining brand of basketball to the American public. Originally named the Savoy Big 5 (honestly, who knew that?), this group of 5 African-American men toured the country playing basketball and exposing the midwest and other "nether-regions" to a new brand of razzle-dazzle hoops. So, end of story, right?

Well...then about 30 years later, a new team was formed by Louis "Red" Klotz. (IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: Who had a nickname of "Red" in the 1950's? Did you want to die?) Anyways... "Red" decided to get into business with Mr. Saperstein and create this new team and he inexplicably called them the "Washington Generals,"despite being located in Atlantic City, New Jersey (the first of Red's huge blunders.)

So for the next oh...3000 games Mr. Klotz's team lost...miserably. The team basically was the punching bag for Saperstein's team and no one seemed to care. What a beautiful American notion: lets get the shit kicked out of us for about 4 decades and lose every game...As long as we get a paycheck!!!

One of the most ingenuious executions during the losing streak started in 1971, when the Generals changed their team name consistently (Boston Shamrocks, New Jersey Reds, Baltimore Rockets, and Atlantic City Seagulls) to give the appearance of different teams, when in fact it was the same team and same players.

In another stroke of sheer Klotz-genious, the Globetrotters finally managed to lose a game in 1971 when...Guess who! Klotz drained a winning basket to give his team a 100-99 score that ended the Globetrotters' 2,499-game winning streak.

So yea...we want to talk about legacies here at the blog?

How about you, "Red" Klotz? How'd that work out for you? Creating a team whose sole purpose was to lose and then when you finally want to break the streak you are the utter narcissist and win the game yourself. Oh yea...and nice fucking job with the Washington Generals logo.

I Certified George W. Bush Winner

On this date 9 years ago, a joint session of Congress certified George W. Bush as the winner of the 2000 election over then-Vice President Al Gore.

According to 9 old people (the U.S. Supreme Court), 5 of them decided that Florida should stop their manual recount of disputed votes in select Floridian counties. This historic decision was only mandated by another bunch of old people and a few douches, namely Florida's Sec of State Katherine Harris, who helped delay the democratic process in an epic way.

So somewhere out there in the ether is the person who decided--"you know what: I should certify George Bush the real winner of the 2000 election, despite losing in the popular vote."

Hey that guy (or girl)...how'd that little leap of faith turn out for you?

Go F Yourself.

I Captained the Exxon Valdez

On March 24th 1989, Joseph Hazelwood was the captain of the oil tanker Exxon Valdez when it ran aground on the Bligh Reef in the Prince William Sound on Alaska’s southern coast. The grounding spilled approximately 10.8 million gallons of crude oil into the Sound and along 1100 miles of the Alaskan coast.

In the ensuing trial, prosecutors were unsuccessful in proving that Hazelwood was drunk at the time of the accident. Hazelwood paid $50,000 in fines and served 1,000 hours of community service in Alaska. Thought he did not lose any of his certifications, he has not found steady work as a shipping captain since. He was featured in the 1995 film Waterworld, but that is an American disaster all on it’s own.

After undergoing repairs in San Diego, CA, the Exxon Valdez was renamed Sea River Mediterranean and returned to service. It has since been renamed, sold and removed from service. It is now operating again, under a flag of convenience from the Marshall Islands. The vessel is banned forever from Prince William Sound, and recent EU regulations prevent single-hulled vessels such as the Exxon Valdez from entering European ports. It currently serves in East Asia.

On August 27th, 2008, Exxon agreed to pay $383 million in damages to local fishermen. This does not include any of the $2.5 billion cleanup costs.

One of the worst spills in American history, Exxon Valdez doesn’t even crack the Top 30 of oil spills worldwide.

How This Started; My View

So there we were...throwing back a few of the world's most delicious beers and a simple conversation started. The subject was prohibition. Basically the line that prompted this discussion was : "someone's grandfather was the poor bastard who had the idea to prohibit alcohol--how'd that turn out?"

Prohibition started out as a simple idea (by a man named Wayne Wheeler, but we'll get to him) with a simple cause/action/solution....the problem was it was a bad idea. A very bad idea--and someone is responsible for that bad idea.

Hey Wayne Wheeler: your fault. Nice legacy you left for your next of kin. What do you think his grandkids say when they're talking about their family to their friends?

"My grandpa invented prohibition in the U.S.!"
"Fuck your grandpa," responds a friend.

Basically someone is to blame for the world's biggest blunders and thats where this blog comes in.

How about:

"I invented prohibition" or

"I cut America's first mullet" or

"I built the Challenger"

Have fun...